What If You Don’t Want To Divorce – Auckland Divorce Coach
For a couple to obtain a divorce, the parties must have lived separately for two years. After that time, either of the parties may apply for a divorce.
To complete a divorce, there are several tasks including resolving financial and childcare matters. These require agreement by both parties.
But what happens in situations where one party is not yet ready to divorce? Maybe they hold onto the possibility of reconciliation.
When There Is A Lack Of Agreement Or Understanding
Usually, one person has checked out of the relationship. In their own mind has reached an advanced stage in the divorce process. Often the other party has seen the signs and is also ready, if begrudgingly, to accept that outcome. But many times, the other spouse has been content. The request for a divorce comes as a surprise to them. They may not want to separate. In situations like this, it can lead to many challenges and complexities in the separation process.
Divorce lawyers typically advise against a six-month separation period with the possibility of reconciliation. Instead, they advocate for a clear and final resolution. The preparation of legal documents by one side is seen as a decisive measure rather than a negotiation tactic.
The Role Of The Lawyer
A lawyer informs their client that the documents provided by their partner’s lawyer express a desire for separation. This can lead to a lot of wasted time and money if the recipient does not want to accept the situation. Their lawyer, who is charging money, has to spend time reiterating to their client that the other spouse has already stated their desire for divorce.
“We can have a trial separation as see what happens later,” is a common statement one party might make. What is the motivation for someone to say such things?
There will be various reasons but a common one is that the divorcing spouse may want to avoid acknowledging the pain of the other side. Using vague words is an avoidance mechanism, where they believe they are being kind to the other partner. They think they have stated their desire for divorce, albeit hidden in the obscure or evasive language.
Psychologists describe this phenomenon known as “catch and release” which may be incorporated into a long-term relationship as a game.
The Real Situation
According to New Zealand law, a separation officially begins when one side expresses the desire to separate, regardless of the reasons behind the decision.
It may be difficult to hear, particularly if you feel responsible for the breakup, or believe that reconciliation is possible.
Hiring an Auckland divorce coach can be a cost-effective alternative to using your lawyer for emotional support. That adds to the high legal expenses during the divorce proceedings.
It is important to recognise that the role of your lawyer is to advise, handle, and process legal documents for the divorce. They are not your emotional support. Expecting them to be your support is a costly mistake. Give them the necessary information for your separation agreement, rather than engaging in unproductive emotional behaviour.
Divorce is usually difficult for those who struggle with letting go of the inevitable. A divorce coach can provide the emotional support you need during the legal process of separation.
Adrianne McLean is a divorce lawyer with twenty years’ experience who has seen the need for divorce coaching as a better way to handle the tough emotions of separation. You can find more information here.